Understanding Self-Worth and How to Build It
 
Have you ever noticed the amount of self-help books out there?
 
A quick trip down the self-help aisle at any bookstore will easily engulf you with hundreds of books covering hundreds of topics. From overcoming obstacles to building good habits, every topic covers at least one aspect of self-improvement.  The concept is clear: The sense of self is important, and the way we value ourselves is essentially how we carry out the rest of our lives. The factor that drives our sense of self is our self-worth. And the way we view our self-worth, my friends, is incredibly important.
 
The Chain Reaction of Self-Worth
 

• Self-worth defines how we view ourselves.
• Based on how we view ourselves, we will think, act, and behave in a certain way.
• This propels how we behave, think, and act when we are with other people.
• Our environment can be influenced by the way we project ourselves.
• The way our external environment reacts can influence how we feel.
• This cycle continues on forever.

 
In a nutshell, the way we value ourselves and our worth can negatively or positively influence everything we do. No pressure!
 
Self-Worth: The Variables We Base It On
 
Self-worth is the root of our very selves. Our feelings, behaviours and thoughts echo our perception of our own worthiness; both good and bad. With the rise of social media and pop culture, we often rate our value based on external factors that have little to do with who we are and instead focus on what we are to others. Common examples include money, career, social circles, appearance, and our upbringing.  
 
Why shouldn’t we look to these components to measure our self-worth? A lot of these variables are out of our control. Our genetics and upbringing were not pre-selected by us; sometimes our financial status and careers are circumstantial, too.
 
Is it wrong to love our careers and social circles? Absolutely not! Our successes should contribute to our sense of self-worth, but they shouldn’t define it.
 
I remember going to see a motivational speaker years ago. He walked around the room, asking random members of the audience to introduce themselves. The theme of every response was something like, “Hi, I am John and I am from downtown Toronto. I have worked in marketing for a large agency for 10 years now…”and so on.
 
I remember getting anxious at the thought of the speaker asking me to introduce myself; after all, at the time I was working two part-time retail jobs. In that moment, my self-worth was hurting because I was comparing career notes with a thousand people in the room.
 
I didn’t get picked to speak (I was so thankful at that time!) because the speaker went back to the stage. He immediately noted that when asked who we are, we immediately retreat to what we do. The human instinct to measure who we are based on accomplishment is a behaviour we all carry. He asked us, “If you were to introduce yourself without mention of your career, success, or status, what would you say?”
 
You could hear a pin drop. Silence.
 
Re-Building Self Worth
 
If what that speaker suggests is true, then we can’t rely on money, appearance, and social stance as a measure of self-worth. Without these factors, what should we base it on? How do we go about re-building our self-worth?
 
Accepting who we are. Self-love doesn’t come easy to most of us, but it is so important to learn how to accept who we are, right now, in this moment. It’s okay if you love to sing but you aren’t the greatest singer. You can love your drive and passion even if you failed on a work project. Every quality deserves to be recognized and appreciated.

Discovering your values. While journeying through self-acceptance, we can discover our core values and learn to lean into them. What drives you? What makes you feel alive? Maybe it’s your sense of compassion, your faith, your drive for justice or your trustworthiness. Your values can steer your behaviours, thoughts and actions; and because they aren’t circumstantial, you can rely on them a whole lot more than external variables.
 
Shut down the negative self-talk. Take some time to really notice your internal conversations and what you are saying to yourself. Do negative thoughts appear when you look in the mirror? What comes to mind when you mess up on making dinner or when you’re late to a meeting? Taking note of your thoughts throughout the day can shine a light on what you’re basing your value on.
 
Bring in self-affirmation. Ok, now it’s time for the uncomfortable part. For every negative thought, replace it with a life-affirming one; even if you don’t believe it right now. I am confident. I am worthy of love. I am a beautiful person. I will get through this. Is this a form of self-denial? Absolutely not. You can learn to accept yourself and still improve on your behaviours and habits. Believing you are confident will not magically make you the best public speaker, but it does influence how you handle yourself in that situation.

Navigating self-love, self-worth and self-acceptance is a lifelong commitment. It is a journey and not exactly a destination – don’t sweat it! Finding ways in your day-to-day to improve your sense of self-worth will slowly increase your quality of life, and the way you respond to external factors.
 
Is the negative self-talk too overwhelming to navigate alone? Is your past defining how you view yourself? Some of us need other people to assist us, and that is more than fine. Reaching out to one of our professionals can make a great starting point in your self-worth journey. 
 

​Regardless of social stance or categorization, all humans require connection (I’m looking at you, fellow introvert!) Studies show that our ancestors formed relationships with one another to ensure protection from predators and to aid one another in search of resources. Over the course of decades and centuries, evolutionary psychology pointed out that our nervous system is consistently on the lookout for protection and connection. To this day, relationships remain a fundamental – or rather, primal – need of every human on this earth. Science has confirmed that human connection is imperative to our emotional intelligence, while consistent loneliness negatively impacts our health. I’m no expert, but for something to significantly impact your physical, emotional, and relational being with such force must be rather important!

​Not all relationships are created equal; an extrovert may still feel a sense of loneliness despite hanging out with their friends all day. Remember what I said about emotional intelligence? In order for the “connect” part of human connection to take place, we must adopt a positive reaction to the emotional, cognitive, and even spiritual connections we encounter. Some may call these life-giving responses, where your energy tank is at full capacity after an interaction. Some positive reactions include happiness (that’s a given), self-awareness, and a sense of purpose. On the other hand, negative reactions to emotional/cognitive/spiritual connections can leave us subject to loneliness: feelings of distrust, miscommunication, and conflict are common social reactions to negative connections. With science and psychology backing us up on the importance of human connection, it makes perfect sense to spend more time on the quality of our interactions rather than the quantity.

Finding Ways to Connect During COVID-19​

Registered Psychotherapist and Play Therapy Supervisor, Julia Johnson and Alka Chopra, The Mindfulness Dietitian, sit down to chat and discuss the use of therapeutic play for children, adolescents, and families. 

We can all share the collective experience of living in a state if uncertainty as we try to process and work through the realities associated with COVID-19. While we are all united and share this experience globally, there are differences in how we individually cope with the impact on ourselves and loved ones around us.

In this video, Alka Chopra (RD) and I collaborated to discuss a very primal emotion that often does not get discussed, or unpacked: Anxiety. The purpose of this casual dialogue was to unpack and normalize this emotion, and also to discuss helpful and unhelpful strategies to cope. 

​Thanks for watching - Ingie Mehmet-Rowlands. 

Victoria Freeman (MSW, RSW & Founder of York Wellness) paired up with NEDIC (The National Eating Disorder Information Centre of Canada) share some tips for their #CopingwithCovid19 youtube series. Check out the video & worksheet! 

If you've ever wanted to write for a mental health & wellness blog - now is the time!  

Be in touch via our contact form, or email info@yorkwellness.ca to learn more about how you can support.